gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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