Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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