my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
