go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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