dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
