Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
