I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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