so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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