I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
