I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize