my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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