I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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