You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
