Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I supernannyed him into submission
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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