If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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