I just made out with a guy for $7.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
