so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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