Pappa wants mamma naked
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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