I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
