Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
