Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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