i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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