He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize