His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
