omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
There's always time for handjobs
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
