My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
