Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Randomize
