Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize