I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
