ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
