my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
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