I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
