Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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