my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
