I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
