apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
