I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
