the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Dear god my vagina.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
