That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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