I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
