So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize