A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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