I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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