no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize