This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
