just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I would ride that face into the sunset
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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