I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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