Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
