So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Pooping to opera.
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