And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
