This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
