I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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