I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
