he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
