I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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