You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
