I think i peed on brittanys purse
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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