I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
