I accidentally had phone sex last night
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
